Shut down a passive aggressive coworker with 5 steps (2023)

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2. Don’t feed into it.

Whatever you do, try to remain calm (easier said than done, we know!) Returning passive-aggressive behavior with more passive aggression, or even direct aggression, may feed it and make it worse.

If your coworker is being passive aggressive as a means to get what they want, then giving in to their hints will reward that behavior. They’ll learn that their passive aggression is an effective tool to achieve their goals.

Even if they’re doing it because they don’t want to cause conflict, they are indirectly doing just that. And by allowing the behavior to continue, nothing will change. That brings us to our next step.

3. Model assertiveness.

So what can you do to find out what’s going on with your passive-aggressive coworker? Model the appropriate behavior: assertiveness. By doing this, your coworker will see that it is both safe and effective to express their feelings directly.

Some tips for doing this:

• Speak to them privately. No one likes to be called out in front of people, especially for difficult conversations. Your coworker will feel more at ease in a one-on-one setting.
• Give concrete examples of the behavior you’ve witnessed in them, and tell them how you interpreted it. Leave out any accusatory language, and do not label them or their behavior as “passive aggressive.” That term will only put them on the defensive.
• Ask them direct questions. Give them an opportunity to explain their behavior and tell you any needs they may have.

Example: “Hey, I’ve noticed recently that you’ve been late to three meetings about this new project, and when Carol brought up some ideas for it during lunch, you left the table without finishing your meal. I could be wrong, but to me, it feels like you don’t think this project is a good idea; I know it wasn’t the one you voted for. I might be misreading this, which is why I wanted to check in with you directly. I value your opinion, and I need to hear from you. Do you have anything you want to bring to my attention regarding this project?”

It’s possible your coworker will deny something’s wrong at first. Give them time. If they say you’re misinterpreting the situation, then try pointing out one concrete example again and asking, “So what did that mean?”

End the conversation by welcoming their direct expression of their true feelings. You can say something like, “I’m really glad we were able to have an open conversation about this. It helps me so much. I want you to know that my door is always open. If you ever have feedback—even if it’s negative—please tell me. We’re a team, and your opinion matters to me.”

4. Enforce consequences if the behavior doesn’t stop.

Eventually, your coworker should come around, or at least, they should stop the passive-aggressive behavior. If it continues, however, it’s time to take corrective action and let them know that their behavior is unacceptable. You can have another direct conversation with them about the actions you’ve noticed and how this type of behavior is impacting team goals. Be clear on what is expected and what the outcomes will be if the underlying issues aren't resolved.

If they show no improvement, it’s wise to distance yourself from this passive-aggressive coworker. If possible, avoid working on projects with them, and don’t associate with them outside of the office.

If this coworker continues undermining your work, it may be time to bring a supervisor or manager into this to enact disciplinary measures as necessary. They will know how to best manage difficult employees, and at that point, it’s not your responsibility to fix anything.

5. Take care of yourself.

As mentioned before, dealing with a passive-aggressive coworker can drain you—especially if they’re intentionally trying to get you to break. That’s why, after you’ve distanced yourself from them as much as possible, it’s important to take care of your mental health.

• Talk to a friend who is removed from the situation. Avoid venting to coworkers, as this can easily turn into office gossip, making things worse. Try talking to your partner or a trusted friend who doesn’t know the coworker and isn’t connected to your company.
• De-stress after work. Once you’re off the clock, do something you love. Go for a run, make your favorite dish, play with your dog or cozy up to a good book. Avoid bringing the toxicity of that passive-aggressive coworker into your personal life.
• Talk to a therapist. A therapist will be a neutral, non-judgmental resource who has expertise in dealing with passive-aggressive people. Find out if you can get free counseling through your company’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP).
• Get support from a personal or business coach. A coach can provide impartial advice and guidance. They'll work with you to identify areas of improvement, set personal or business goals and keep you on track to ensure your success.

Dealing with a passive-aggressive coworker is never easy, but you can do it!

If you’re caught in the unpleasant experience of dealing with a passive-aggressive coworker, following these tips should help. Remember, if your coworker doesn’t improve despite your best efforts, it says much more about them than it does about you. Beneath their behavior is a lot of anger and bad habits. It’s not your job to fix them. It might be wise to keep your distance and focus your energy on your work.